‘Tis the season when all my women friends tell me secretly what jewelry they want their husbands, boyfriends or significant others to purchase for them. Then, I am supposed to discreetly–and without giving away the ‘plan’– pass this information along, by calling or emailing said husband, boyfriend or S-O for the first time all year, to somehow nonchalantly, offer them my unbiased and completely innocent advice. Inevitably whether I make the initial call or other friends are enlisted to assist in the process, this is an enactment of how subtly it works:
Dave: “Jenny called you to tell me exactly what jewelry she wants for Christmas.” (statement, no question mark)
Me: “Well, I wouldn’t say that exactly…she kind of gave a wish list.”
Dave: “She has more than one item?” (definitely a question)
Me: “No, no it’s one.”
Dave: Trying to be witty…”And if I decide to get her an iPad instead?
Me: “She will hit you over the head with it and you won’t be able to return it in thirty days in its original condition.” ….And then I go for it: “If you don’t comply, I can’t promise you that you will have a sex life, or those golf clubs you wanted.”
Dave: “Okay. Where do I meet you?”
Now that the cat’s out of the proverbial bag about how it works, remember this for next year: we don’t have to come up with the master plan. Just tell me what you want and I’ll procure it for you..
But –there is always a but–if you want anything that he doesn’t understand, forget it right now. He will not get you the new spiky necklace because he doesn’t find sharp objects around your neck sexy. Ditto for the fabulous web bracelet, which has the pave spider caught in the corner. He has been killing all the bugs and keeping the creatures away since he met you.
He will spend hours trying to understand why the hell you would want a rough or rose cut brown or black diamond-or diamond beads–”where is the sparkle, too dark and dreary–no one will ever know they’re diamonds– are you sure?” I’ve had this conversation. Last year I spent three hours convincing one hubby that a white rose cut in a simple setting for a pendant was what his wife truly and deeply wanted. And, “no I was not mistaken.” I neglected to have the frank talk–see above enactment–and I actually had to prove that his wife would accept this as a ‘real’ diamond.
If you aren’t married or engaged and he’s not planning on it in the very near future, like say, this holiday season, there is no way he will buy you a ring. Not a cocktail style, three-dimensional fantasy version, not even one with a snake slithering up your finger. Rings are just not in a guy’s jewelry vocabulary. Especially not eternity bands or stackables. I once had a guy break out into a cold sweat, turn a paler shade of white, need a liter of water just because I showed him the thinnest of micro pave bands in yellow gold with yellow diamonds. Didn’t matter that it was for her pinky where she wore three others. He kept saying it was a wedding band. It sent him fleeing.
So my advice to all women out there with wish lists and hints…and their favorite stores clued in on the covert operation: buy all aforementioned pieces as self purchases and go for some intriguing but guy friendly pieces. Earrings are always a winner, even in brown diamonds, as are pendants with a romantic yet safe motif: floral or lacy openwork with a dash of muted gems like the subtler fancy colored sapphires. Diamonds are his best friend too and he will go for the rose cuts and even the polished roughs if it’s explained to him with care and if your favorite salesperson can ply him with a few, or possibly many beers…
Another small tip, if he’s never seen you wearing bracelets and this year you’re hankering for some bangles, borrow and wear them and let him hear them clank on your wrist so he notices.
Although he knows it’s a set up and he’s going a long with it because it does make it so much damn easier for him and allows him time to post scores and sports stats on FB, he will still want to feel like he has some say and he will gravitate more to purchasing jewelry he can picture you in.
And if this has the desired effect for you whomever reads this, you owe me one fix up–with a fantastic guy who, if it works out, I can send to you for my jewelry next year.